I have no name pt4 #Antibullyingweek.

I hardly remembered the run home all I knew was that Photos of me where all over the internet.  The laughing and sniggering followed me home and rang in my ears until it felt like I was holding my head underwater.

I ran upstairs and slammed the door and put my bed against the door. Petrified struggling to breathe until I felt dizzy and passed out. No one was bothered with me or felt the need to see how I was for hours. It was my mum who managed to push the bed away from the door. Then came the argument, my mum started shouting and carrying on and I had tears streaming down my face trying to explain I wasn’t leaving school to get her into to trouble but to save myself.  I showed her the Facebook group where the photos were and told her what happened.  I think she thought I’d taken the photos myself.

The police turned up and I told them what happened and yet again they accused me of taking the photos myself, why would I do that no one would want to see me I’m so ugly I don’t take a selfie.  The school had pretty much the same belief as the police and my mum, though the photos where taken down it was too late, everyone had a copy.

A Couple of weeks later a blue flashing light lit my empty room as I left my home.

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I have no name. pt3 #Antibullyingweek.

We see ourselves through the eyes of others and this is manipulated to suit their prejudgements. Your true self can only be divined as you.

When eventually I was ragged back to school, I wandered the corridors in fear that any moment would be my last. Any laughing sniggering and joking would make me cringe. I was desperate to get out of this situation especially with that Facebook group still up and running.

It was brake and my heart was pounding in my chest, my breath was quickening with each step, “Need to get out of here.” my head repeatedly told me.  “Need to get out of here. Need to get out of here.” The thought encroached on my every moment. I began to feel dizzy and sick and ran to the loo to throw up.  It was there I nearly passed out, I wish I had of done. Ricky was there and he dragged me out of the stall and then three of his mates pinning me down. He pulled down my trousers and then took photo’s with his phone as one of them had their hand over my mouth preventing me from screaming.

They left me on the smelly toilet water floor in tears and shaking has everyone was standing around me laughing.

close up of apple on top of books
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I have no name. Pt 2 #antibullyingweek

 

I never told my mum what happened but I think she knew something was going on especially when she got a phone call from the school telling her I hadn’t been. When she asked why I lied and said hadn’t felt too good and forgot to ask permission to go. I don’t think she was too convinced. Nothing much more was said on it, so I decided not to go to school again.

I walked around the corner and waited for my mum to leave for work and then quickly dodged back home and let myself back in the house. I felt safer at home and it didn’t take me long to decide that I would be better doing this every day than trying to struggle around school dodging the onslaught of people that don’t want me there and judging by the way the school did nothing the didn’t want me either.

It wasn’t until my phone began to buzz repeatedly, I didn’t recognise any of the phone numbers so I didn’t answer. I went on facebook to find I been asked if i want to join the Hate on Gammy group. I took a sneak peek amongst all the names they where death threats and even kids that didn’t go to our school threatening rape and to beat me up. I then wasn’t sure what to do, I altered my Facebook settings to private and blocked them all but this wouldn’t make that page go away.

I went to bed hoping to hide under my covers would make the world go away, I knew it wouldn’t be too long before the world would find me and I would have to give up my hiding position.

apple applications apps cell phone
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I HAVE NO NAME. Pt 1 #antibullyingweek

This story is about someone, this someone could be sat next to you in class, but its more than likely they have sat alone and you haven’t even noticed them. If you have paid attention too them it’s because you are the one that’s wanting them to be alone.

When you steal their pencil case or push them so their head rebounds off the wall as your walking past, before calling that name you’ve given them, I want you to think and maybe not for once do that and maybe for once realise we are all different and we all have feelings and what you say and do has a consequence.

Also if you are the person that is all ways sat alone I want you too read this to know you are not alone others have been there before you and others are suffering at the same time. More importantly, IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT and whatever you do next to make sure you find the help you need.

The morning was grey an dull as all ways, you could almost forgive me not wanting too go and take the hike too school in this weather. If I was honest too myself it wasn’t the weather that was putting me off going to school.

I gathered my bag slowly “Don’t think of getting another one of those stomach aches again.” My mum nagged me. “If they’re name calling again just ignore them, they’re only jealous.” I’m sure she actually believes that.

I ate my breakfast and then began to feel a sickness creep over me as the time grew closer for me to walk the two miles trip to the concrete prison. Where every day I was held captive for 6 hours while my tormentors circled me like vultures. Being gangly and ugly as well as clumsy gave them plenty of ammunition.

I started too walk too school and I put my head down and walked hunched over trying to make myself as invisible as possible. Perhaps it would be mistier down the park we everyone would generally get bottled neck along one path until they reached the school. Nope, that wasn’t going to be the case the mist had already begun to lift. “Cunt face are you going to talk to me or what?” Came a shout from the crowd I didn’t look up, I knew it was directed at me but I wasn’t going to be stupid enough too turn around and say anything. “See you around fucking retard.” There where others sniggering in the background as they walked past, giving me the obligatory bump into as they walked passed, nearly causing me to lose my balance.

I carried on my lonely trudge through the jungle of ‘so-called banter’, that I had learnt to ignore. The truth is you collect yourself in a small bubble no one comes into that bubble and you aren’t obliged to leave the bubble either. You learn the best places to go to avoid people like the library at brakes and the rest of the day sit at the back of class if you can then no ones behind you. Learn how to fain illness in group activities and if at all possible stay clear of PE, from period pains to headaches it works sometimes. You’ve got too occasionally grit your teeth and go through with it though. Last one to be picked and not really wanted to be there so what was the point and not too mention the hideous showers afterwards. They all ways smelt like someone had died in them the cracked tiles and getting undressed in front of your tormentors really didn’t do it for me. So avoid muck and quick wash off and hurry away as fast as I could. Unfortunate for me it was the second period but I had my excuses ready.

The bell tolled and that was it time for registration, the day had begun. I stood outside the room just a little way down the corridor away from everywhere else. I walked in and then five minutes later walked out to go up a flight of stairs to my English lesson. What a surprise Romeo and Juliet, and the real tragedy in all this there hasn’t been another play write in over four hundred years we see fit too bore teenagers with.

The sound of the bell echoed through the school corridors again and we all switched classroom in the robotic manner you do and then I was stood outside the gym. Wondering if I could pull off the stomach pain stunt again when the science teacher showed up and took us all into an empty classroom and told us too do our homework quietly and she would be popping her head around to check on us.

I sat at the back of the class trying to do something and out of sheer boredom their attention turned too me. They began to spit chewing gum and chewed up piece paper, I lost my temper picked up my bags and left. I didn’t just leave the classroom I left the school. I wasn’t as scared of the teachers as I was the other kids. 

I remember last time they started on me in Science it ended up with my hair on fire, scared that this would happen I went home and let myself into my home. It was there that I ran upstairs and huddled up in my bedroom crying huddled up under the blankets. Then it happened a knock at the door.  “Oi Freakshow, open up.” The voice of Ricky Dermont could be heard outside the house. “Coming to get you Gammy.” he continued.  He then started throwing stones at the window. Her phone then started buzzing and she didn’t recognise the phone number so she didn’t answer. She kept hearing the constant bang against the downstairs window of the stones and she bolted under her bed as the stones appeared to get bigger.  One of the neighbours shouted at him and he ran away. There was then a knock at the door probably from the neighbour but I didn’t move.

man in black and white polo shirt beside writing board
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Remember

Remember all those that have gone before,

Remember all those that went to war,

Remember all those that helped the soldiers,

Remember all those that never returned home.

With hope in your heart that peace will be,

A better choice for all of humanity,

No loss of loves on wars lonely fronts,

No soldier left injured and all alone,

No soldier left feeling the burden of guilt,

For those, he left behind that day on foreign silt,

So Remember all those that have gone before,

But remember humanity greatest strength is love, not war.

red grass whitespace green
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Shopping in Skipton.

I am fed up of going down to my town centre buying the cheapest of everything because I don’t like it. It is either Pretty pink princess that a passing unicorn has projectile vomited up flowers the shite out rainbows and sparkly microplastics on, or clothes that a social worker buys because they think is appropriate for a dying elderly person to wear, that has no family member to visit them. If we liked it we would be willing to pay more for it, but because we don’t we buy something to wear as cheap as you can get it.  PLEASE MAKE CLOTHES REAL WOMEN WANT TO WEAR.

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Haunted house.

Haunted house.

Little house upon the hill,

Little house standing still,

Though your windows are all cracked,

And you walls all filled with holes,

With mould so thick and black.

Little house upon the hill,

Little house standing still,

As I walk through door that close no more,

And as I tip toe upon creaky floor boards,

I feel there is something all around,

Watching me from every room, silent and without a sound.

Little house upon the hill,

Little house standing still,

A sigh, a creak, a groan,

and no the house begins to moan,

As the moon in dark sky sits,

I stand in darkness all around.

Little house upon the hill,

Little house standing still,

I hear you whisper on the breeze,

What secrets are you telling me,

The secrets that lay hidden all around,

within your mouldy walls all painted black.

Little house upon the hill,

Little house standing still,

I follow now the voice that talks in the darkness,

I follow the steps that walk into stillness,

To find what I can not find,

to see what I can not see,

Little house upon the hill,

Little house standing still,

Dawn is here and I must leave,

As a heavy sigh I hear you breathe,

And eyes that watch me as I leave,

The secret that you hide so well,

I hope that one day you might tell.